Forgive & Forget

"Forgive & Forget"... More like "Forget & Forgive". Most of the times, I forgive cause I could no longer remember how upset I was when you did that to me or even what had happened in the first place. Actually I do, I was "very" upset. Well, that's the best I can do, "very" upset will be the way I describe how I was feeling. "Very" upset, how often do you feel you're "very" upset anyway. It's freaking every single day, if you ask me.

Maybe all I need to do is learning new vocabulary, so instead of using "very" I can use extremely, exceedingly, exceptionally, especially, tremendously, immensely, vastly, hugely, remarkably, really, or whatever it is. However, It still doesn't describe how I was feeling. I am "tremendously" upset, okay, I am, so what? How "tremendously" is tremendously anyway? Is it 2 times "very", maybe more than that? I'm not an expert here, or maybe I'm the stupid one, but any of those words, don't help me recall the feeling I had. Really.

I can clearly remember that I was "immensely" upset, I was so sad I could cry, scream, curse on anything I could see, I remember the actions, the words, but not the emotion I went through. All I can say is "I was very upset". I was very upset when you broke my heart, but, I was very upset too when I didn't get to eat what I wanted because the restaurant was closed. I was very upset when the most important person in my life actually didn't give a damn about me, but, I was very upset as well, when I dropped my phone. Goddamn it, I was upset when the train was delayed for 2 minutes, seriously, things that wouldn't really matter make me very upset.

So what should I do? Should I make a rating system? From a scale of 1 to 10, how would I describe my feeling? 1 being "my heart is like pricked by those tiny needles" and 10 being "you break my heart, put it back together, get my hope high, and then break it again just for the fun of it"? No, it still doesn't work that way. Words don't describe feeling. "I love you, more than anything else in the world", "I love you so much I will jump into fire just to see your smile". Even a simple "I love you so much" is ambiguous enough. "I love you so much babe" and "I love eating chicken so much" are basically loving something so much, but well, so do I love you just as much as I love eating chicken? So, do I get upset cause you break my heart as much as I get upset when I lost my wallet? Do I really? If you ask me 10 years later, when I could no longer remember the emotion, I will just say I was "very" upset and that's about it.

If I can forgive myself for dropping my wallet which made me "very" upset, I don't see how I can't forgive you for whatever you had done to me, which of course, made me "very" upset. If only feeling can be described with words. There is like an imaginary line, which no one should ever cross, cross the line, and that's it. I will forgive you depends on I love you or myself more. If I love you more, I will forgive you, that, or when I forget, I might forgive!