Forgive & Forget

"Forgive & Forget"... More like "Forget & Forgive". Most of the times, I forgive cause I could no longer remember how upset I was when you did that to me or even what had happened in the first place. Actually I do, I was "very" upset. Well, that's the best I can do, "very" upset will be the way I describe how I was feeling. "Very" upset, how often do you feel you're "very" upset anyway. It's freaking every single day, if you ask me.

Maybe all I need to do is learning new vocabulary, so instead of using "very" I can use extremely, exceedingly, exceptionally, especially, tremendously, immensely, vastly, hugely, remarkably, really, or whatever it is. However, It still doesn't describe how I was feeling. I am "tremendously" upset, okay, I am, so what? How "tremendously" is tremendously anyway? Is it 2 times "very", maybe more than that? I'm not an expert here, or maybe I'm the stupid one, but any of those words, don't help me recall the feeling I had. Really.

I can clearly remember that I was "immensely" upset, I was so sad I could cry, scream, curse on anything I could see, I remember the actions, the words, but not the emotion I went through. All I can say is "I was very upset". I was very upset when you broke my heart, but, I was very upset too when I didn't get to eat what I wanted because the restaurant was closed. I was very upset when the most important person in my life actually didn't give a damn about me, but, I was very upset as well, when I dropped my phone. Goddamn it, I was upset when the train was delayed for 2 minutes, seriously, things that wouldn't really matter make me very upset.

So what should I do? Should I make a rating system? From a scale of 1 to 10, how would I describe my feeling? 1 being "my heart is like pricked by those tiny needles" and 10 being "you break my heart, put it back together, get my hope high, and then break it again just for the fun of it"? No, it still doesn't work that way. Words don't describe feeling. "I love you, more than anything else in the world", "I love you so much I will jump into fire just to see your smile". Even a simple "I love you so much" is ambiguous enough. "I love you so much babe" and "I love eating chicken so much" are basically loving something so much, but well, so do I love you just as much as I love eating chicken? So, do I get upset cause you break my heart as much as I get upset when I lost my wallet? Do I really? If you ask me 10 years later, when I could no longer remember the emotion, I will just say I was "very" upset and that's about it.

If I can forgive myself for dropping my wallet which made me "very" upset, I don't see how I can't forgive you for whatever you had done to me, which of course, made me "very" upset. If only feeling can be described with words. There is like an imaginary line, which no one should ever cross, cross the line, and that's it. I will forgive you depends on I love you or myself more. If I love you more, I will forgive you, that, or when I forget, I might forgive!

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I Tried My Best!!

I know I'm not the best!
I'm trying to be a nice guy but it's just too hard...
I love you and I'll do anything for you
I'll cheer you up and brighten up your life
Like a candle burning in the dark to provide you light

S: You meant you're going to kill yourself?

Like a firefly that lights up the night

S: You meant like how they use the light for mate selection?

Like a glow stick illumines the dark and colour up your night

S: You meant like how poisonous it's inside?

Like a sun shining through your window after a long night

S: You meant waking me up in the morning? oh, or the UV rays?

Exactly my point, it's difficult, too difficult
even if I'm only trying to be nice...

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Never Give Up

"Never give up", "Don't give up", "Keep trying", people say these a lot. Generally as a way to motivate others or to cheer up others. Some people tell themselves to "Never give up" because it seems like a correct positive attitude. Well it is most of the time, especially when what you're referencing to is from watching movies or reading stories. Everything in stories will eventually work out well in the end, because you know, the main character doesn't give up until the end.

Well, we might be too influenced by those stories, we sometime hope, deep down inside our heart that our life will work the same way it's in the stories when we don't give up. We did, we do and we shall! However, reality slaps and tells us to our face that is just not how the real world is. Things are complicated, too many things to be done but in limited, very limited amount of time. Unlike those characters in stories, who can train their fighting skills or other skills in that matter indefinitely of time because you know, they DON'T have to eat, take a bath, or work to get money to get food. They DON'T socialise, or whatever you can name, other than DO NOT GIVE UP! Their live don't go on when they give up, but ours do, that's the biggest difference.
Never give up, while it might seem right a correct attitude most of the time, is not always the right thing to do. There is time when you ought to know when to give up. You can't spend your whole time doing the same thing over and over again when you fail. Sometime you just need to move on, maybe you're not meant to do that, you'd never be good enough. Sometime it just doesn't worth the cause. Even if you don't care about you and your life, sometime what you do affects others in a bad way, like it or not, how you live your life can influence others. You can be ignorant and don't care about yourself, but consider others a bit. Sometime it's just silly, you're not in a good shape when you made the decision to not "Give up", of course you ARE. You FAILED!

Giving up sometime might end up better, instead of wasting time doing the impossible, you go forward, finding something that might actually worth the cause, or at least worth your cause. Time is limited, the world goes on with or without you, time ticks no matter what, stop and you'll be left behind. It's not easy to decide when to give up or when to not give up, you'll never know what actually are significant in your life that you shouldn't leave. You'd never know what's going to happen until it actually happens. Giving up on something might be the biggest mistake you could possibly do, but holding on to something, never giving up might also be your biggest mistake.

Giving up could result in endless regrets, made you think what might happen if you hadn't given up. "Oh, I could have that job now and have a good life if I just kept studying that subject" you might think, well, that is a possibility, but why you gave up in the first place? Because you're not good enough, that job might AFTER ALL still not be yours even if you didn't quit. That's another probability. Not giving up essentially might lead to the same thing. It made you think of what might happen if you had just given up. "Oh, I shouldn't have spend so much time doing this, a total waste of time, I could have just spent it doing others". Well, at least you tried, you'd never have to think "If only I didn't give up" and feel so useless you can't even give it a go.

Life is complicated, whatever you do, it'll never be right. Maybe you should just give up on life. Life is so difficult you seem to never get it right, but maybe later on, it might get better, a whole lot better, you'll never know. At the end of the day, trust yourself, your life, your decision. What's the worst could possibly happen? Embarrassing yourself to the point you couldn't face others anymore? Well, end your life, and even if others still remember, you don't, actually you CAN'T even if you want to. Find something you really feel like doing, cause in the end, anything you do will be somehow wrong anyway, so at least do something you think worths the fail.
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