Don't Bother With Me

Here's the thing, all the individuals that I truly admire, who I believe are intellectually superior than me, don't believe in God. They are law abiding citizens, morally integral, and contributed significantly to make this world a better one. However, the ones that tried to preach and convert me to religion, most of the times were arrogantly self-righteous, and offended to any questions that challenged their beliefs and believed that you're Satan's spawn for thinking the way you did. "You'll go to hell" they said. Oh, come on, not saying that Satan exists, but let's pretend Satan does exist, what did Satan ever do? Your loving and benevolent God killed more than Satan ever did.

You want to save me, is that why you even bother? There are far many that need saving more than me, please, for the the sake of your god, go help them. Help those that are affected by famine, save those who are victim of war, rescue the abused. I'm fine, I can wait until you are done looking after them. Really, I'm fine. You'll pray you say? No, praying doesn't help! They might have already prayed themselves, but the saviour just ignores them. Too busy fulfilling prayers such as "God, please, I don't want to be late", "God, please, let me find my lost key", "God, please, let the stains come off". Just go and help them if you really like to save people just like you claimed!
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Logic Of Life!

Here's how it works, you weren't born just yet, you didn't even have the chance to do anything at all. Then there's god, with god's arbitrary rules, condemning you to hell for sin you didn't do, then proceed to pay blood price to himself so he could forgive you, that had not done anything yet, from himself. Yeah, you're that damned that god couldn't just forgive you! God has to sacrifice his son, Jesus Christ, his only son, so you can be redeemed. Proof of god's love! Oh well, except you know, death means nothing to them. So what sacrifice again?

Now, it's all good, all forgiven, except that you have to believe and accept that god saves you from damnation. You have to obey everything god says without question, otherwise, you'll pay the price, you'll go to hell. How is that forgiving? I meant, since the original sin, or whatever it's called, I think there should be enough generation passed by now. About time god just forget about it. If I kill someone today, should my children, grandchildren, great grandchildren be jailed as well?

Yeah, what's the point of being alive? Become mindless drone that is forbidden of having rational though? The brainless creature that will glorify god's name. The almighty god loves to be praised, telling everyone how nice he is and will punish you if you don't believe what he said.
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God Made Everything Beautiful In Its Time

If god (not God) has plan for everything, and god has made everything beautiful in its time. "You either have a god who sends child rapist to rape children or have a god who simply watches it and says "When you're done, I'm going to punish you". If I could stop a person from raping a child, I would. That's the difference between me and your god." - Tracie Harris

Yeah sure, how would you feel if someone is about to mug you and there are a few polices nearby just going to stand there and watch? Ignoring your scream of help, and say "Don't worry mate, we'll search for him after he's gone, all good, justice will be served". Does that sound right to you? 

If no, how is your god benevolent? Oh, and don't worry, you can seek for forgiveness, god is merciful and forgiving. You know what is fucking wrong with it? The culprit could potentially get away with it, they might, you know, one day, decide to beg for forgiveness and believe in god. The victim, might however, in their anger decide to forsake god. 

The victim, because of a crime that god decides to just watch and let it happen, is going to hell. The culprit, because he/she asked for forgiveness, is going to heaven. Cool story!

Yep, totally beautiful. 

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Let's Go To Heaven. Heaven Is Paradise??!!

Heaven ? What are you going to do there in heaven? Like seriously, tell me what is there for me that will make me want to be there? How is it a paradise?

A place where you'll glorify god eternally. No, unlike you, I don't find it fun! If I don't even enjoy it once, a few hours, in a week, what make you think I want to do it forever in after life?

A place where all you can do is watch non-believers burn. Your loved ones, your families or your friends might not believe what you believe and are punished to be there. All you can do is sitting there knowing they're going to be tortured eternally. Or is that part of the paradise? 

The joy of being rewarded and that to be able to finally say "Told you so, you should have believed in god?". The joy of watching people suffer, cause you know, you agree with your god. Who are we and what do we know to question the omniscient being. The merciful and forgiving god, the benevolent lord that failed to forgive unconditionally. 

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Forgive & Forget

"Forgive & Forget"... More like "Forget & Forgive". Most of the times, I forgive cause I could no longer remember how upset I was when you did that to me or even what had happened in the first place. Actually I do, I was "very" upset. Well, that's the best I can do, "very" upset will be the way I describe how I was feeling. "Very" upset, how often do you feel you're "very" upset anyway. It's freaking every single day, if you ask me.

Maybe all I need to do is learning new vocabulary, so instead of using "very" I can use extremely, exceedingly, exceptionally, especially, tremendously, immensely, vastly, hugely, remarkably, really, or whatever it is. However, It still doesn't describe how I was feeling. I am "tremendously" upset, okay, I am, so what? How "tremendously" is tremendously anyway? Is it 2 times "very", maybe more than that? I'm not an expert here, or maybe I'm the stupid one, but any of those words, don't help me recall the feeling I had. Really.

I can clearly remember that I was "immensely" upset, I was so sad I could cry, scream, curse on anything I could see, I remember the actions, the words, but not the emotion I went through. All I can say is "I was very upset". I was very upset when you broke my heart, but, I was very upset too when I didn't get to eat what I wanted because the restaurant was closed. I was very upset when the most important person in my life actually didn't give a damn about me, but, I was very upset as well, when I dropped my phone. Goddamn it, I was upset when the train was delayed for 2 minutes, seriously, things that wouldn't really matter make me very upset.

So what should I do? Should I make a rating system? From a scale of 1 to 10, how would I describe my feeling? 1 being "my heart is like pricked by those tiny needles" and 10 being "you break my heart, put it back together, get my hope high, and then break it again just for the fun of it"? No, it still doesn't work that way. Words don't describe feeling. "I love you, more than anything else in the world", "I love you so much I will jump into fire just to see your smile". Even a simple "I love you so much" is ambiguous enough. "I love you so much babe" and "I love eating chicken so much" are basically loving something so much, but well, so do I love you just as much as I love eating chicken? So, do I get upset cause you break my heart as much as I get upset when I lost my wallet? Do I really? If you ask me 10 years later, when I could no longer remember the emotion, I will just say I was "very" upset and that's about it.

If I can forgive myself for dropping my wallet which made me "very" upset, I don't see how I can't forgive you for whatever you had done to me, which of course, made me "very" upset. If only feeling can be described with words. There is like an imaginary line, which no one should ever cross, cross the line, and that's it. I will forgive you depends on I love you or myself more. If I love you more, I will forgive you, that, or when I forget, I might forgive!

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I Tried My Best!!

I know I'm not the best!
I'm trying to be a nice guy but it's just too hard...
I love you and I'll do anything for you
I'll cheer you up and brighten up your life
Like a candle burning in the dark to provide you light

S: You meant you're going to kill yourself?

Like a firefly that lights up the night

S: You meant like how they use the light for mate selection?

Like a glow stick illumines the dark and colour up your night

S: You meant like how poisonous it's inside?

Like a sun shining through your window after a long night

S: You meant waking me up in the morning? oh, or the UV rays?

Exactly my point, it's difficult, too difficult
even if I'm only trying to be nice...

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Never Give Up

"Never give up", "Don't give up", "Keep trying", people say these a lot. Generally as a way to motivate others or to cheer up others. Some people tell themselves to "Never give up" because it seems like a correct positive attitude. Well it is most of the time, especially when what you're referencing to is from watching movies or reading stories. Everything in stories will eventually work out well in the end, because you know, the main character doesn't give up until the end.

Well, we might be too influenced by those stories, we sometime hope, deep down inside our heart that our life will work the same way it's in the stories when we don't give up. We did, we do and we shall! However, reality slaps and tells us to our face that is just not how the real world is. Things are complicated, too many things to be done but in limited, very limited amount of time. Unlike those characters in stories, who can train their fighting skills or other skills in that matter indefinitely of time because you know, they DON'T have to eat, take a bath, or work to get money to get food. They DON'T socialise, or whatever you can name, other than DO NOT GIVE UP! Their live don't go on when they give up, but ours do, that's the biggest difference.
Never give up, while it might seem right a correct attitude most of the time, is not always the right thing to do. There is time when you ought to know when to give up. You can't spend your whole time doing the same thing over and over again when you fail. Sometime you just need to move on, maybe you're not meant to do that, you'd never be good enough. Sometime it just doesn't worth the cause. Even if you don't care about you and your life, sometime what you do affects others in a bad way, like it or not, how you live your life can influence others. You can be ignorant and don't care about yourself, but consider others a bit. Sometime it's just silly, you're not in a good shape when you made the decision to not "Give up", of course you ARE. You FAILED!

Giving up sometime might end up better, instead of wasting time doing the impossible, you go forward, finding something that might actually worth the cause, or at least worth your cause. Time is limited, the world goes on with or without you, time ticks no matter what, stop and you'll be left behind. It's not easy to decide when to give up or when to not give up, you'll never know what actually are significant in your life that you shouldn't leave. You'd never know what's going to happen until it actually happens. Giving up on something might be the biggest mistake you could possibly do, but holding on to something, never giving up might also be your biggest mistake.

Giving up could result in endless regrets, made you think what might happen if you hadn't given up. "Oh, I could have that job now and have a good life if I just kept studying that subject" you might think, well, that is a possibility, but why you gave up in the first place? Because you're not good enough, that job might AFTER ALL still not be yours even if you didn't quit. That's another probability. Not giving up essentially might lead to the same thing. It made you think of what might happen if you had just given up. "Oh, I shouldn't have spend so much time doing this, a total waste of time, I could have just spent it doing others". Well, at least you tried, you'd never have to think "If only I didn't give up" and feel so useless you can't even give it a go.

Life is complicated, whatever you do, it'll never be right. Maybe you should just give up on life. Life is so difficult you seem to never get it right, but maybe later on, it might get better, a whole lot better, you'll never know. At the end of the day, trust yourself, your life, your decision. What's the worst could possibly happen? Embarrassing yourself to the point you couldn't face others anymore? Well, end your life, and even if others still remember, you don't, actually you CAN'T even if you want to. Find something you really feel like doing, cause in the end, anything you do will be somehow wrong anyway, so at least do something you think worths the fail.
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Random Things That Popped In Mind Before Exam

The time to part and leave will come someday, so, goodbye. Wait, goodbye? Why goodbye? Is parting that good that we will use goodbye? Isn't parting supposed to be sad and unwanted? Not necessarily, but sometimes yeah, we don't want to be apart with people we love, it's just that we have to. So why we say goodbye when we part with people we love? I know it's just a phrase we use. It doesn't literally mean good and bye. Or maybe it is, when a person who you don't like and keep bugging you say they have to go now, you want to say "Good, (finally) bye", disguising it as "goodbye" cause you know, we don't want to be the rude bad person and hurt their feeling. Joking aside, maybe goodbye is used because we want that person to be good, even after we leave, so be good and bye. I don't know. It's just somehow feel so wrong to say goodbye with happy face. It's like, I'm happy I'll not see you again, good bye.

Now, because I had so much spare time before my exam (I was still studying, but cause it's so boring, My mind wandered and I procrastined), I googled goodbye, apparently I was both so wrong and so close. Goodbye doesn't mean "Good, (finally) bye" or sarcastically "Good bye". It's as quoted from the freedictionary.com

"No doubt more than one reader has wondered exactly how goodbye is derived from the phrase "God be with you." To understand this, it is helpful to see earlier forms of the expression, such as God be wy you, god b'w'y, godbwye, god buy' ye, and good-b'wy. The first word of the expression is now good and not God, for good replaced God by analogy with such expressions as good day, perhaps after people no longer had a clear idea of the original sense of the expression. A letter of 1573 written by Gabriel Harvey contains the first recorded use of goodbye: "To requite your gallonde [gallon] of godbwyes, I regive you a pottle of howdyes," recalling another contraction that is still used."

Moving along, MONEY!! Everyone's life seems to revolve somewhere around money. Yeah, it's that important. But sometimes, we forget that "Money doesn't necessarily bring you happiness, you don't buy happiness with money, you buy things that MIGHT make you happy" and "The best things in life are always free". You don't buy love, best friends. Well, maybe you could buy them, but then love or friends that are there for your money? I wouldn't even think about that. So money is important but not everything. You might not be able to survive life without money, but that doesn't make money is the NUMBER ONE thing in your life. You were born naked, without any money, and still you survived, cause you have the best things in life, love. Your parent(s) or maybe someone else raised you! No matter how high class you think you are, or you are from royal family, or stuff, you're still born naked without money!!!

Why do people exist? Some people live their lives full of suffering. Hypothetically, let say human has lifespan of exactly 70 years. The second a human is born, at that second, that human is a second closer to 70 years or closer to the death. So, the second you were born, you started dying. Do we live to die?

God, I had so much time thinking about these kind of stuff, and actually wrote them down. Well, I hope I don't screw up later.

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Respect Is To Be Gained Not Given!!

I heard this "Respect Your Elders" a lot of times. But why? Is there a particular reason why I should respect the elders? I can't think of any reason to do that now, and I don't think there will be any in the future. A lot of elders expect to be respected, which is understandable, everyone will like to be respected, that includes me.

Don't get me wrong. I said that not because I don't respect elders. I said that because I think respect is not to be given to you just because you're old. If you want respect, behave, so others will think that you deserve the respect.

If you really love to be respected, and think you deserve to be respected because you're old, but you act like a douchebag. Here, let me give you my respect, "A Middle Finger" and "Fuck YOU, SIRE".
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What? That's a respect, I show you my respect by calling you "SIRE". According to Wikipedia, Sire was generally used to address a superior, a person of importance or in a position of authority or the nobility in general during Middle Ages. What more you can expect? I was being kind, honestly, I don't think you even deserve to be called Sire, but yeah, since we should respect the elders, I have no choice. So, after what I've done and said to you, will you respect me? If you say yes, well, THANK YOU! If you say no, then, you get my point. I wanted to be respected but acted like a douchebag. Do you think I deserve respect if I just walk to you and give you a "MIDDLE FINGER"? I guess you won't show me any respect at all if I do that.

Oh, before I forgot, for you who think you can act like whatever you want and don't show any respect at all just because your life is so miserable. You're asking for your miserableness. No "normal person" will love you, therefore you fail. But I think you deserve "Thank you" from me. You know what? I rarely have confidence in myself, I'm glad that I'm not you.

I'll respect anyone who deserves it. If you really are, I don't see why I shouldn't, even if you're way younger than me. I won't show any respect at all, I don't care at all even if you're way older than me, if I think you don't deserve one.

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Questions I Wanted To Ask

Once upon a time, lived two humans. One is a loner who doesn't like noise. This person spends the time alone, reading or writing. Oh, and is a dreamer too. The other one is so noisy and talks non-stop.

Someday, the first person had enough of the second person's jibberish. And said "OH God... Will you please just shut up?"

GOD : MORTAL!! YOU DO NOT COMMAND ME.

(WOW!!!) NO, no, this is not meant to you, this is just a phrase, what I really meant was "Oh... Please... Will you just please shut up".

GOD : Why did you use My name?

It's just like "OMG", people don't mean you, it's just an expression. I don't know how they came up with that "OH My God", probably because you're just like the condition people use "OMG" to. It's either mean awesome or surprisingly unbelievable, just like you. Upps... (I wish I didn't say that)

GOD : MORTAL!! AND YOUR EXCUSES.

Ouch... Why did you have to wake me up? I was talking to God in my dream and was about to ask him, "In Noah's Ark, did the God ask Noah to go to China to get panda, to Arctic Ocean to get polar bear, etc. Not to mention, if a White people have a child with a White people, you get White people, Black with Black will get a Black child, Asian with Asian will get Asian, etc. How come this world has so many races, while God only created two humans?

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Expectations

Do you have a lot of expectations with you?
Do you have many things that you expect of yourself?
Do your parents believe in you?
Do others demand something from you?
Do you want someone to do something for you?

Can you do so many things at once?
Will you fulfil all your wishes?
Do you do as your parents want you to?
Do others happy with what you've done for them?
Does that someone give you what you want?

Do you feel disappointed when you don't meet your expectations?
Do your parents feel content? Or do they feel like they’re raising a bastard?
Do others think you are a disgrace?
Or you think others are?

If most of your answers are yes, you might need to stop or slow down a while. One of the best ways to be happy is to NOT expecting ANYTHING at all! Yeah, when you don't expect anything and you get something, that thing will feel marvellous.

You expect you'll get a good grade for your exam. And, wow, you did get a good one. So what? No surprise, you expected it, you knew you're going to get one or at least you felt like getting one. What if, you didn't? Yeah, you're shit!

You don't expect anything at all. And then, suddenly, wow, good grade, hahahaha, you feel like as if you don't need other things anymore. Okay, you didn't get a good one. So what? Whatever, it's not like you're hoping for a good one anyway.

Even better, you expect that you're so screwed, you think you did shit on the exam. Get a good result? It's a miracle, you literally feel like you can fly. You got a bad grade? Not a big deal, you knew this would happen.

So, don't expect anything, or preferable, keep your expectations so low that anything that will happen, is better than what you expected. Keep it to yourself, you don't want other do nothing for you and say "Hey, it's alright if it's that person, that person is a sad soul that doesn't expect anything, and will not be angry or disappointed".

P.S Don't complaint or blame others when you do whatever that's been suggested. You choose to not expect anything, feel free to kill yourself if you wreck your life. I don't hold any responsibility for whatever I've said or suggested as in Hollywood is not responsible for telling you "Believe ... and you can fly".

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Am I stupid?

It's a good question, isn't it? I remember someone said "you're stupid" to me because I don't know about something. Yeah, yeah, whatever, you smartass. Oh, did you know that I think you're stupid? Oh, you don't, then, are you stupid by any chance?

Usually, stupid is used when
1. People don't know about something, so others call them stupid.
2. People can't understand about something, or slow to grasp the idea, so others call them stupid.
3. People can't do something that others can, so those others call them stupid.
4. Just for fun.
So, am I stupid?

~If by stupid, one means "knowing less than one does not know" that is there are more things I don't know than things I know. Then I am stupid, and so is everyone. Did you know that when you type "I am extremely" in Google search, you'll get racist suggestions. Did you know that in English every continent starts and ends with the same letter? (What the hell were those?). There are just things I don't know, no matters what I do. Study? The more I study, I realise there are more things I don't know and if I am stupid because I don't know, doesn't that mean the more I study, the stupider I become? An additional reason for me to not study and be lazy.

~If by stupid, one means "I can't comprehend about something", no doubt, I am stupid. No further explanation needed I think. I can't understand why you call me stupid because something doesn't make sense to me, so I guess I am stupid by your definition. Do you think you can understand everything in this world? Take your time then. Good luck.

~If by stupid, one means "I can't do things that most of you can", you can put me in your "list of stupid people you know". Since all of you can do it and are smart, but I'm the only one here that can't and stupid. You're the common, and I'm the unique. I'm stupid, but the winner here. There is only one stupid and so many smart asses? I'm a rare, endangered species. There will be soon conservation law for me. You'll have to protect me. What? I admit I'm stupid, but you're not happy with that. What else do you want from me?

~If I do something that all of you can't understand or don't even bother trying to know why I did that, but like to offer a "that's stupid" or "you're stupid" comment, then I humbly accept your kind offer. You know, something like turning down the scholarship from a prestigious university. I know, stupid yeah? Don't you know why I'm so stupid? Because apparently, I got a job offer from overseas company and not only that, they agree to pay for my tuition fee for studying in that country university. (That's an example, not a true story, I'm too dumb to be able to get scholarship anyway). Yeah, just because you don't bother asking, I'm stupid.

~If it's just for fun, obviously I don't mind you call me stupid. I'm stupid, you're stupid, so what? Let the smarts do the thinking, they invent iphone, laptops, new mobile phones, fast internet or whatever. Let them be, and let us be the ones who enjoy. Just because they invent iphone, doesn't mean they get a better iphone than we do. They get paid more than we do? Don't worry, just because they get paid 10 times more than we do, doesn't mean they can eat 30 meals per day or have 120 hours per day to play games or travel to 10 places at the same time or have 10 spouses or wear 10 shirts and trousers with a ring on each finger. Agree?

I'm stupid because I don't know, understand, or able to do something. Then, I'm stupid because most of the people don't understand what I'm trying to do. Next, because others can't understand why I'm doing the stupid thing, they're stupid as well (point number 2). That forms a stupid cycle, a cycle where because I'm stupid, you're stupid and because you're stupid, I'm stupid. Long story short, I'm indeed stupid. Why? Thinking normally, it's because I met all the criteria above. Brilliantly otherwise, the reason is "I need to write a freaking long article to tell you I'm stupid".

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Life And (not my) Choices

I believe that life is about choices I have to choose. Every choice I choose will lead me to other choices and so on. But that's not always true, because I don't always get to choose. Sometimes, there is no other way, sometimes, I'm forced to, sometimes, others choose for me, sometimes, I don't want to choose at all. Oh yeah, sometimes, the almighty "You Know Who" is the chooser. (Hey, I try to be fair here, every religion has different names for the almighty "You Know Who", just to be clear, I'm not talking about you, in case you're not that literate)

The first thing that I didn't have the chance to raise up my voice was "Where will I be born", I also couldn't choose what time (my birthday), by whom (my parents), neither my name. Name, yeah, I will carry this name, from the day I was born, until the end of my life, it's a big thing, but I had no choice. Imagine if my name's "Dick Face", and I someday be the director of a giant company. "Hello, my name is "Dick Face", the director of this company and your new boss" (hahaha, sorry, no offence intended). Oh, I can't pick my traits either, if I could, I'd be a "heartless creative genius with unbelievable reasoning ability and lives this life for the sake of nothing but wasting time" (boring . . .)

Then next, my parents, and so did your parents (maybe) were sick of us running wild everywhere while they were working. So they put us in school, "the place where all the kids are gathered together and supervised by some special assigned adults called teachers", so they didn't have to watch us and able to get their jobs done.

Many years ago, when the world weren't as advanced as now, people went into workplace early in their lives. There was really nothing much to learn, school was short, only a few of them complete a degree from university. Now? No, complicated stuff are more than ever, people need more training time, a degree from university is common now, that means, most people at least are 20++ years old before they get into workplace. Do we really need that much time? Not really, but yeah, we need to wait for our brains to be developed before we are able to comprehend those complicated stuff (You won't try to teach analysis, algebra, statistic, and matrix to a 9 years old kid, will you? Unless that kid is a genius). So maybe that's why we were fed meaningless facts to memorise at school, while waiting for the brains to be developed. Yep, rather than letting us run wild everywhere and distract the adults from doing their jobs, they kept us in school, memorising meaningless facts. I didn’t have the choice to skip remembering those meaningless facts. I was forced and made to memorise them. (Ugh... falling asleep, boring!!)

Now, let see, if I will get to choose what I will be after I graduate (I don't want to choose, really), and who I will spend the rest of my life with. . (zzz . . . fell asleep)

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Only Need One!

Back then, when I was a child, I was wondering about something. To be a president candidate, I'm pretty sure that one has to be very competent. My country always has so many president candidates, but only one will be elected. So where do the others go? Why don't they use those unelected candidates? What a waste of competent human resources. Now I finally figured it out, not exactly now, I figured it some time ago (even though it might be not the correct answer).

Titanic, the ship that was believed to be unsinkable sank during its maiden voyage. Yeah, since it was the greatest ship at the moment, they thought that 1 captain might not be enough to handle that enormous ship, so they assigned 2. It's a great decision, until the Titanic, encountered the iceberg which would eventually sink it.
One of the captain yelled out "Turn left, there are some smaller icebergs on the right side", the other captain said "No, turn right, the current on the left side is too strong, and our position is closer to the right of iceberg, our chance of avoiding it is better". "No, I said turn left, even if we avoid that iceberg, there will be smaller icebergs, the current won't matter, this huge ship will be strong enough". "No, turn right, I'm more experienced than you, and from my experience, I believe right is a more viable choice". So they argued, the ship didn't turn anywhere, it went straight, and by the time they stopped arguing, it was already a hit.

There are 2 kingdoms that are currently on war. One of the kingdoms decides to launch a campaign, to end this war once and for all. This kingdom has 2 grand generals that have won the kingdom so many wars. It can't be said that one of them is better than the other one, they are just so great. The soldiers respect them both equally. Since this is not a usual campaign, the king decides to entrust the campaign to these two generals. As expected, they keep winning the wars. But after so many wars, the amount of soldiers decreases drastically, and they are all physically and mentally tired. Then comes the next war, they are ambushed, they are losing, they are outnumbered.
"Fall back soldiers, we'll do our best to survive for now, we'll strike back next time", one of the general says. "No, we'll fight back till our last breath, we have our pride, and we won't lose", the other responds. "We are outnumbered, our soldiers are tired and worse, we are ambushed, it's obvious that we have to give up this one, there is no point to sacrifice lives for a battle with no chance of winning". "There is no way back, our route of escape has been cut, beside, this is our chance to end the war once and for all, they might outnumber us, but they have lost so many battles, their morale is low, we will win, strike soldiers". Too late generals, as you're arguing, your soldiers are being wiped out. If you have agree to run, you might make it, your soldiers may be able to escape and still alive. Or if you decide to strike back, even though you don’t have the chance of winning, at least you take down some of their soldiers, not die in vain for nothing in confusion.

See my point now? If they had one absolute leader to follow, the outcome of both stories would have been different. That's why we don't need more than one leader. Oh wait, sorry, that's not the story of the Titanic, I screwed up the story, I didn't intend to make fun of unfortunate tragedy. I'm sorry.

However, one absolute leader is not good either, example, Hitler with his vision of totalitarian, autocratic, single party, national socialist dictatorship. He's absolute, and whatever he said, that would be whatever his followers had to do. No, if he listened to some people, if he had some people that would remind him, it would have been different. Maybe a system like pilot and co-pilot is good. The pilot is the legal commander, and in the event of incapacitation of pilot, the co-pilot will assume the command. Co-pilot will assist pilot to fly the aircraft. If unlikely event happens, the co-pilot might give pilot advice or whatever, but the pilot is the one who decides the final decision.

Oh wait, isn't that what my country has been doing? What an idiot I'm, thinking so long for nothing. -_-" But at least I figured out why (excuse).

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The Right Thing

I'm sick of being told to do the right things. Honestly, I don't even know what is right and what is wrong. A lot of people just told me to the right thing, but didn't even bother to explain at all. What is right for you, doesn't always right for me. What is right to do now, is not always the right thing to do then.

"I have a very strict family, my parent expect everything to go perfectly. They don't mind hitting their kids at all. Once, I played with my brother in living room and accidentally broke a vase, my parent beat me up so bad that I didn't go to the school the next day because I had bruises all over my body. One day, they bought a very expensive new stove. I couldn't help but to play with it and I broke it somehow. No one saw it. Do I keep silence? So I won't get beaten my parents? But what if, what if the stove explodes when someone tries to use it? Someone might die if I hide it just to save me from being beaten. Do I just go and admit that I broke it, so they know that the stove is broken and don't use it" (Not a true story, I made this up as an example)

Okay, the RIGHT THING to do NOW is telling the truth. But is "telling the truth" always the right thing?

"My dad was a drunkard, smoker, and gambler and had gone through a lot of problems because of that. He got into fight countless times with my mum, he was unhealthy and had respiratory disorder, was broke and almost lost his job. Fortunately, he realised the problems, and decide to quit all of them. Yeah, he quitted. His best friends, who always do those things above with him, were wondering why they never saw my dad again. So they came to visit my dad and my dad told them that he quitted. They said it's gay, and asked him to hang out with them again. They kept forcing him, so he didn't have other choice but to go with them. Dad realised he shouldn't see them again. Today, they come, and I'm the one who open the door. Do I tell them that dad is not at home at this moment, or I tell them that dad is inside?"

Telling the truth is NOT the RIGHT THING to do now, I believe. Oh, did you say that I should have just told them that my dad doesn't want to hang out with them anymore? As if they care if I tell them that. See, the right thing to do then, was not the right thing to do now. For me, I think it is right to lie at that situation, but for you, it is NOT. So, the definition of right thing is not the same for everyone.

"Our country has always been governed by the king. His orders are absolute, if he wants you to be dead, so are you. If he says the tax is increased by 10%, then it is. I can't take this anymore, I want a REVOLUTION". Is revolution the right thing? Revolution requires sacrifices, and that include human's lives. I might think that our country will be better when everyone has the voice for the country, everyone is allowed to give out their opinions and views. But do all the people agree? You might say that you don't want war, you don't want bloodshed, and we can try to find other way out. See the difference? I think revolution is the right thing to do now even that means WAR! But you say, revolution is not what we need right now, the people have suffered enough without war, you want a peaceful way out. You want to try to convince the king.

Did you read the news? About the suicidal bombing? Do you think it is right? No, of course not. So do I, it's not right. But why did they do that? For them, it's right to sacrifice their lives to kill their enemies, or so they believe. It's a form of prayer to their God, to kill who they think are their God's enemies. So who are you or me again? They don't give a damn about what we think is right or not. Their God says so (or they believe their God says so).

That brings us to the root of my discontentment, since everyone has different definitions, when you tell me to do the right thing. Do you mean the right thing by me or by you? If you just tell me to do "the right thing", but don't bother explain, then don't freaking blame me if I don't do what you've expected. If you want to control me, then write me a list of whatever I can do and I can't do. Every single of them. Make it clear, so clear, that there is no need to interpret any of the sentences with my own conscience. Because if I do have to, our interpretations are not always the same.

Not only between you and me, even between myself, there's disagreement with what is right and not. My thought says that I should stop doing this, I will lose anyway, save me the bother of trying, but my feeling, deep inside my heart, says that I should just go for it, doesn't matter if I'm going to lose or whatever, I should give my best shot, and then if I have to lose, I lost proudly. At least I tried and gave my best. I lost because I have limit, I can't reach something further than what my arm can extend!! Or grab more that what my hands can hold.

Still feel like telling me to do the right thing? Okay, I'll do it. I'll say "Shut up, you idiot". I believe that is the right thing to do NOW!!

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For "You" Who Know Who I'm Talking About!

For someone who I think is awesome and has a cool name,

I know why you are so lovely, just look at your name, a part of it sounds like "Chan" in Japanese, which has more affectionate term. Check here and here for the references. Not to mention the name that people always used to call you with end with 2 letters which in your language, but I'm not that sure, has something to do with lovely. That does explain why your name is so cool and you're so lovely. (I made this up just for you).

Seriously, that won't be a good reason why you're lovely. It's that kind attitude of yours that matters. You care about people, oh and you're funny, easy to drag toward something, and have funny reactions. (Not anymore, since I screwed up the feeling).
You're still kind nevertheless. I always appreciate people's kindness, sometime I just don't show them. I'm good at contenting my emotion and feeling around people, but when there's no one, I'm just a kiddo. You know what I'm talking about. Before I forget, those above spontaneously made you awesome. You might not think so, but that is how I think about you, and this is sincere.

Umm.. Okay, that seems so nice, and I have used the "keywords". Nothing is perfect and so are you, you're indescribable complicated. I can't understand you at all, one day, you act like this and the other day like that, seems like a few different people to me if you ask, or multiple personalities. You said the reason you like "I will love you, till death do us apart" is because that doesn't exist. Yeah, I know, we (by "we" I mean humans) love things that do not exist. Time machine? Your own wings? Teleportation? Genie? or you name it. Those don't exist, but we will love those if they do. You don't believe in "love forever", or that's what you said. Honestly, I believe you're hopelessly romantic. (I have my reasons, I just won't tell you. Keeping some secrets are good). Yeah, you are not easy to comprehend, not by me or you at least! However, don't you worry about that, "Complicated" is not such a bad thing, at least that makes you interesting, don't you think so? You make people curious about you. They will try to know you better, since they don’t know you well enough. Won't you love movies that have complex plot, the ones that make you want to watch them over again so you'll understand more? Or you'd rather watch a plain boring movie which you'll be able to predict the ending after 10 minutes of watching. You choose. So just be happy with that.

I don't know if this can live up to your standard, or nearly as good as you expected, or you don't understand at all or you don't even read this(which is good), but I kept my promise, didn't I? You said your patience is thin, and you can't wait for very long. Here you are, less than a month I think. I never know I could write something like this, I swear. But, as the matter of fact, I did write something. I used all the words (or all that I could recall). So, do your best shot for your last one, yeah? I know it's just a piece of cake for you. But good luck anyway!! And enjoy the fun after that!! Oh, and thank you, I guess.

I hope this gets to the correct person, I mean the "intended" person does know that this is for the person and the "unintended" people don't think this is for them. Who else this could be for? I don't promise just everyone. I love you...


Sincerely,

You know who.

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Life And Choices

I have lived for some years, and I don't know what life is about. I try to find what it is about, but get different answers, so many answers, more than my little ignorant brain can take and comprehend. So, as for now, I'll define life is about choices that I have to take. Everything in my life is about decision. This will explain how the definition comes up.

From morning until night:
~Wake up or stay in the bed for a few more minutes?
~Do I have breakfast or take a shower first?
~What am I going to eat if I choose to have breakfast first?
~Scrap breakfast, I'm late, I'll just have lunch later
~NO!! The bus just went off in front of my eyes, 15 minutes until the next one comes, if I just woke up before and didn't pointlessly stay in the bed, I wouldn't miss the bus. I should have just had breakfast instead of scrapping it, 15 minutes are more than enough.
~Bad decisions, late to school, didn't eat breakfast, hate myself for scrapping breakfast, bad mood!!

In the school:
~Bad mood, can't concentrate studying, doesn't get the teacher's explanation.
~Do I keep trying to concentrate? Or does something fun first to make up my mood? E.g. play games or browse the Internet?
~I'll do that on the break, keep concentrating. "Now I get what you say"
~Oh, new assignment! The teacher is explaining and giving hints for the assignment, lucky I didn't play games.
~Lunch time, do I go alone and eat whatever I want to, or go with classmates and eat whatever they want to?
~Back in class, do I do the assignment? While the hints and explanations are still fresh in my mind, or I listen to the next topic?
~Do the assignment, wow, I finished faster than I expected. Time to listen to the next topic.
~No, I'm tired, do I take a break, or force myself?
~Nice move, tired but satisfying. Good mood!!

After school:
~Do I go home or go somewhere else first?
~If I go somewhere else, where am I going?
~If I go home, what am I going to do?
~Do I eat outside or I'll eat cook something later?
~Okay, go home, figure the rest after that.
~No result!!

Night:
~Play games, chatting, browsing, reading, watching movies?
~Ah, okay, I'm going to see how my friends are doing.
~Arguing and get in a fight with friend. Huh, if I had chosen to play the game, I won't have this problem now.
~Hungry now, but not in the mood to cook, or go outside. If I had chosen to eat outside before, wouldn't be in this hunger.
~Sleeping.
~Bad choices scatter my day!!

So many things to decide in a single day, but the decisions above are just simple examples. Life is more complicated than that, Life has more tough choices. There is no one definite correct decision.

~Exam tomorrow, my choices? Study. Do I have anything else? Yes, procrastinate.
My choice, my decision.
1. I decide to study.
Tomorrow~~
*The exam's so difficult, I can't even answer one properly, not only me, but almost all of my friends. If I knew I wouldn't be able to answer the questions, I might as good as just procrastinate and doing other stuff last night.
*The exam is so easy, I might be able to answer most of them without even have to study at all last night. AND I SPENT MY DAY READING THOSE HUNDREDS OF PAGES!
2. I procrastinate a lot, playing game, chat, etc while reading the book every now and then.
*AAARGGGGHH... The answers for exam are all in the notes, if I have just studied properly, I will be able to do well in the exam.
*Hahaha, piece of cake, the exam is all about opinions. I'm glad my resolution to study wasn't that strong. I had fun, and I did well in the exam. What could be better than that?
!!!Study for the exam, while it is the most viable and logic choice, is not always the right decision!!!

~One of the most important people in my life has terminal illness. Pain and suffering, while there is almost no hope of cure.
1. Keep alive
*Ugg, spending every second of life in pain? I don't want to see the suffering face, this is more than I could take.
*If I was in that position, I'd only have one wish, kill me!
2. Euthanasia?
*What if, the day after I decide putting them to death, happens a miracle, a medical breakthrough and that breakthrough can cure them? I'm the one who choose to do the euthanasia. NO!!!!

~Holiday, yay! But I don't have anything to do, I'm so bored, that's why I write this blog. Other choices to do? A lot, but writing is a new thing to me, the idea of writing never crosses my mind before. So I write.
Benefits:
*I can express my opinions.
*I write down the ideas I have, my ideas have written form. If I forget, I can always go and read again. To tell the truth, I don't even remember what I wrote in the other articles. See how bad my memory is? How many "might be" brilliant ideas have I lost?
*I might improve my writing skill. Maybe in the future, I'll find it easier to write report. Maybe.
*A practice of freedom! Freedom of speech and expressing opinions. Something I never have back then.
Drawbacks:
*People that I'm talking about, or I refer to, or somehow related, might read this, and kill me!! (My teachers in high school, especially)
*My friends might think of me as a weirdo, but I don't mind, if they're my friends, they might already found out before they even read this. There is also possibility that they might never read this at all.
*Who knows that my future employers, decide to not hire me, because they find this blog, read it, and think my ideas are crazy. They don't need more crazy people as they already had enough those employees. I lose my dream jobs because of THIS! Who knows?
!!!I can see the benefits right now, and think writing this seems good. However, in the future, the drawbacks might cost me everything (worst case scenario. I believe that life is not that cruel)!!!

Nobody likes to make difficult decisions. We have all been at a point in our lives where we have to make a difficult decision, and we just don’t know how. We spent hours and hours to sort out the options and simulating the outcomes. But just how we could possibly understand the outcome of something that is unpredictable as life at all?

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Loneliness

This is a love story about me and something called loneliness. To tell you the truth, years ago, I hated loneliness, but it loved me (it still loves me now, of course).

"I hate loneliness, but it loves me". In the past, there were a lot of days when I had no one, no one at all. I was isolated, I had no one at all. I really wished that I had someone, anyone, it wouldn't matter. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I didn't. Then here came the loneliness. Obviously, I didn't accept it, I didn't welcome its visit. It embraced me. I did all my best to chase it away from me, but couldn't.

Day by day passed, it still comes to me everyday, even though I clearly said, I HATE IT!! It kept embracing me, and as time passed my attempts to struggle against it weakened. I didn't have the will to do be in opposition to it. My hostility towards it vanished, it just faded. "Whatever, you can do whatever you want to. Anything I do won't affect you anyway, you will keep coming", that's the thought I had.

Finally, after my attempts failed, I began to accept its existence and its love. I didn't feel as much pain as it used to be when loneliness came. Actually, I started to feel good. I can't help, but to fall in love with it. What would you do, if someone still love you, doesn't matter what you do to chase them away? Yeah, I'm so weak, and loneliness came at the right time, at the time when I was fragile the most. I began to love it. I enjoyed the solitude. I fell for it, it won my heart.

Now? I love it with all my might, soul and heart. I don't mind being left alone with loneliness, that'll give me solitude. But still, just because I love it, doesn't mean I have to be with it all the times. Just because I love it, doesn't mean I will spend all my times with it. Just because I love it, doesn't mean I don't need anyone else. Just because I love it, doesn't mean I can't love anything or anyone else. Just because we love each other, doesn't mean we will get along all the times, we will fight and argue every now and then, we will. Just because we love each other, doesn't mean life's over when one of us is gone.

Thank you loneliness for loving me when I have no one. I'm unwanted, and the constant pain from that feeling forges me. Thanks to you, I will feel loved no matter what happens. Everyone in this world might leave me, but when they did, you will come to be with me and I'll be solitude. I'll never be alone anymore (umm... isn't loneliness means I'm all alone? and now, because I have loneliness, I'll never be alone? That's confusing, my fault, to create a metaphor as if loneliness is alive). I love you.

Morals of the story:
1. Don't give up when you really love someone, try and that someone might, doesn't matter how that someone hates and doesn't accept you at the moment, but who knows in the future, love you back.
2. Instead of dreaming and wishing for something you don't have and won't have, why don't you enjoy whatever you have at the moment and be grateful with that. They have theirs and you have yours.
3. You're loved, doesn't matter how you feel at the moment, you just don't notice.
(4. Don't believe me, because, simple, I'm unbelievable.)

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Why I Shouldn't Be Happy (Yet)!

Some wise people say “In order to be happy, one must learn to be content”. That seems true. If I think about it, there is no way I’m going to be happy if I try to pursue happiness. Read this. Happiness is not the same for everyone. Some may be seeking for financial in later life, maybe that person wants a beloved partner to build a happy family, or maybe even desire to be famous and acknowledged by everyone. So everyone has their own definition of happiness.

There are reasons why humans should not be “really happy”. Back in the old days, when people were still hunting for food, wearing cloth made from animals, leaves, or even nothing at all. What will happen if they were happy with their condition back then? We might still need to hunt for food now. Discontentment actually encourages people to strive looking for new things and improvement. Discontentment stimulates people to live a better life.

Nevertheless, it also leads to greed! It makes people using any means necessary to achieve what they want. As long as it’s fair and square mean, it should be alright, but, unfortunately, people tend to play unfair. Discontentment, directed to a correct path, leads humans to a better life, directed to wrong path, which is jealousy, leads humans to chaos.

To be happy is to accept whatever I have, and be happy with those. But at the moment, I’m happy to put myself as an unhappy person, so I’ll strive for a better life! That is the reason why happiness is not for me (yet). That is the reason, why I’m such a sad person. Oh wait, I don’t need any reason. I’m just unhappy, and that’s all. I’ll grab whatever I can fair and square, let go whatever I couldn’t even if try my best and be happy with that (with a few exceptions, of course).

Special thank to Robby!

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Different Angle!

S : Darling!
H : Yes.
S : Can I trust you?
H : Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person! You're asking a wrong question to a wrong guy...
S : Will you hit me?
H : Obviously! Every chance I get!
S : Will you kiss me?
H : NO! Why are you even asking? That's disgusting. I will never do that to you.
S : Have you ever cheated on me?
H : Of course! Over and over! That's what I live my life for.
S : Umm... Do you still love me?
H : NO! Don't even think about it.
S : I think I'll leave you now. Do you want me to leave?
H : Yes. At last, it was so hard to wait.

Pretty sure, the conversation above is not a nice conversation. But, what are you going to do? That is how it is. Just like life, life is not always pretty, sometimes, it's so bad. Often, people don't have a good day and unhappy with their lives. However, they should try to look at things, in a different angle. Maybe their lives will look better that way. Example?? Sorry, No example.

~ You have to go to work today, but you don't want to, you feel like ditching the work. You're not happy with the current workplace.
!!Looking from different angle. At least you're healthy that day, and are not sick. Some people wake up, early in the morning, and feel pain or even worry if they'll die soon. Oh, you're sick, that's why you don't want to go, be grateful that you're employed then, people who don’t have job and can't find job EXIST!

~ You have inept or disorganized co-workers. You have enough of them. They make you have to work hard to cover theirs.
!!From different angle. Hey, what if all of your co-workers are so great, don't you realise that your chance of promotion is so thin or you might never get one. Not to mention, you might not even get hired in the first place. Oh yeah, if a day, when your workplace has to cut some jobs, won't you be assured that your name will not be first in the list.

~ Your house is small, you don't have much stuff around, and you don't have great TV, computer or car. You're bored.
!!Again, angle. In the past, the king, supposedly the richest in his kingdom, didn't even have the TV you have, he didn't even know what and how great the computer is. Just be grateful, you're born now, not years ago. Oh, small house? At least you don't have to walk far, from your room to kitchen.

~ Back to the conversation above. Have you figured out what you have to do with it. If you had, then, don't read the sentence after this, and do what you think you should do with it.

If you haven't, read it, from bottom to top.

That should make life looks a little bit better!

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