Am I stupid?

It's a good question, isn't it? I remember someone said "you're stupid" to me because I don't know about something. Yeah, yeah, whatever, you smartass. Oh, did you know that I think you're stupid? Oh, you don't, then, are you stupid by any chance?

Usually, stupid is used when
1. People don't know about something, so others call them stupid.
2. People can't understand about something, or slow to grasp the idea, so others call them stupid.
3. People can't do something that others can, so those others call them stupid.
4. Just for fun.
So, am I stupid?

~If by stupid, one means "knowing less than one does not know" that is there are more things I don't know than things I know. Then I am stupid, and so is everyone. Did you know that when you type "I am extremely" in Google search, you'll get racist suggestions. Did you know that in English every continent starts and ends with the same letter? (What the hell were those?). There are just things I don't know, no matters what I do. Study? The more I study, I realise there are more things I don't know and if I am stupid because I don't know, doesn't that mean the more I study, the stupider I become? An additional reason for me to not study and be lazy.

~If by stupid, one means "I can't comprehend about something", no doubt, I am stupid. No further explanation needed I think. I can't understand why you call me stupid because something doesn't make sense to me, so I guess I am stupid by your definition. Do you think you can understand everything in this world? Take your time then. Good luck.

~If by stupid, one means "I can't do things that most of you can", you can put me in your "list of stupid people you know". Since all of you can do it and are smart, but I'm the only one here that can't and stupid. You're the common, and I'm the unique. I'm stupid, but the winner here. There is only one stupid and so many smart asses? I'm a rare, endangered species. There will be soon conservation law for me. You'll have to protect me. What? I admit I'm stupid, but you're not happy with that. What else do you want from me?

~If I do something that all of you can't understand or don't even bother trying to know why I did that, but like to offer a "that's stupid" or "you're stupid" comment, then I humbly accept your kind offer. You know, something like turning down the scholarship from a prestigious university. I know, stupid yeah? Don't you know why I'm so stupid? Because apparently, I got a job offer from overseas company and not only that, they agree to pay for my tuition fee for studying in that country university. (That's an example, not a true story, I'm too dumb to be able to get scholarship anyway). Yeah, just because you don't bother asking, I'm stupid.

~If it's just for fun, obviously I don't mind you call me stupid. I'm stupid, you're stupid, so what? Let the smarts do the thinking, they invent iphone, laptops, new mobile phones, fast internet or whatever. Let them be, and let us be the ones who enjoy. Just because they invent iphone, doesn't mean they get a better iphone than we do. They get paid more than we do? Don't worry, just because they get paid 10 times more than we do, doesn't mean they can eat 30 meals per day or have 120 hours per day to play games or travel to 10 places at the same time or have 10 spouses or wear 10 shirts and trousers with a ring on each finger. Agree?

I'm stupid because I don't know, understand, or able to do something. Then, I'm stupid because most of the people don't understand what I'm trying to do. Next, because others can't understand why I'm doing the stupid thing, they're stupid as well (point number 2). That forms a stupid cycle, a cycle where because I'm stupid, you're stupid and because you're stupid, I'm stupid. Long story short, I'm indeed stupid. Why? Thinking normally, it's because I met all the criteria above. Brilliantly otherwise, the reason is "I need to write a freaking long article to tell you I'm stupid".

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Life And (not my) Choices

I believe that life is about choices I have to choose. Every choice I choose will lead me to other choices and so on. But that's not always true, because I don't always get to choose. Sometimes, there is no other way, sometimes, I'm forced to, sometimes, others choose for me, sometimes, I don't want to choose at all. Oh yeah, sometimes, the almighty "You Know Who" is the chooser. (Hey, I try to be fair here, every religion has different names for the almighty "You Know Who", just to be clear, I'm not talking about you, in case you're not that literate)

The first thing that I didn't have the chance to raise up my voice was "Where will I be born", I also couldn't choose what time (my birthday), by whom (my parents), neither my name. Name, yeah, I will carry this name, from the day I was born, until the end of my life, it's a big thing, but I had no choice. Imagine if my name's "Dick Face", and I someday be the director of a giant company. "Hello, my name is "Dick Face", the director of this company and your new boss" (hahaha, sorry, no offence intended). Oh, I can't pick my traits either, if I could, I'd be a "heartless creative genius with unbelievable reasoning ability and lives this life for the sake of nothing but wasting time" (boring . . .)

Then next, my parents, and so did your parents (maybe) were sick of us running wild everywhere while they were working. So they put us in school, "the place where all the kids are gathered together and supervised by some special assigned adults called teachers", so they didn't have to watch us and able to get their jobs done.

Many years ago, when the world weren't as advanced as now, people went into workplace early in their lives. There was really nothing much to learn, school was short, only a few of them complete a degree from university. Now? No, complicated stuff are more than ever, people need more training time, a degree from university is common now, that means, most people at least are 20++ years old before they get into workplace. Do we really need that much time? Not really, but yeah, we need to wait for our brains to be developed before we are able to comprehend those complicated stuff (You won't try to teach analysis, algebra, statistic, and matrix to a 9 years old kid, will you? Unless that kid is a genius). So maybe that's why we were fed meaningless facts to memorise at school, while waiting for the brains to be developed. Yep, rather than letting us run wild everywhere and distract the adults from doing their jobs, they kept us in school, memorising meaningless facts. I didn’t have the choice to skip remembering those meaningless facts. I was forced and made to memorise them. (Ugh... falling asleep, boring!!)

Now, let see, if I will get to choose what I will be after I graduate (I don't want to choose, really), and who I will spend the rest of my life with. . (zzz . . . fell asleep)

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Only Need One!

Back then, when I was a child, I was wondering about something. To be a president candidate, I'm pretty sure that one has to be very competent. My country always has so many president candidates, but only one will be elected. So where do the others go? Why don't they use those unelected candidates? What a waste of competent human resources. Now I finally figured it out, not exactly now, I figured it some time ago (even though it might be not the correct answer).

Titanic, the ship that was believed to be unsinkable sank during its maiden voyage. Yeah, since it was the greatest ship at the moment, they thought that 1 captain might not be enough to handle that enormous ship, so they assigned 2. It's a great decision, until the Titanic, encountered the iceberg which would eventually sink it.
One of the captain yelled out "Turn left, there are some smaller icebergs on the right side", the other captain said "No, turn right, the current on the left side is too strong, and our position is closer to the right of iceberg, our chance of avoiding it is better". "No, I said turn left, even if we avoid that iceberg, there will be smaller icebergs, the current won't matter, this huge ship will be strong enough". "No, turn right, I'm more experienced than you, and from my experience, I believe right is a more viable choice". So they argued, the ship didn't turn anywhere, it went straight, and by the time they stopped arguing, it was already a hit.

There are 2 kingdoms that are currently on war. One of the kingdoms decides to launch a campaign, to end this war once and for all. This kingdom has 2 grand generals that have won the kingdom so many wars. It can't be said that one of them is better than the other one, they are just so great. The soldiers respect them both equally. Since this is not a usual campaign, the king decides to entrust the campaign to these two generals. As expected, they keep winning the wars. But after so many wars, the amount of soldiers decreases drastically, and they are all physically and mentally tired. Then comes the next war, they are ambushed, they are losing, they are outnumbered.
"Fall back soldiers, we'll do our best to survive for now, we'll strike back next time", one of the general says. "No, we'll fight back till our last breath, we have our pride, and we won't lose", the other responds. "We are outnumbered, our soldiers are tired and worse, we are ambushed, it's obvious that we have to give up this one, there is no point to sacrifice lives for a battle with no chance of winning". "There is no way back, our route of escape has been cut, beside, this is our chance to end the war once and for all, they might outnumber us, but they have lost so many battles, their morale is low, we will win, strike soldiers". Too late generals, as you're arguing, your soldiers are being wiped out. If you have agree to run, you might make it, your soldiers may be able to escape and still alive. Or if you decide to strike back, even though you don’t have the chance of winning, at least you take down some of their soldiers, not die in vain for nothing in confusion.

See my point now? If they had one absolute leader to follow, the outcome of both stories would have been different. That's why we don't need more than one leader. Oh wait, sorry, that's not the story of the Titanic, I screwed up the story, I didn't intend to make fun of unfortunate tragedy. I'm sorry.

However, one absolute leader is not good either, example, Hitler with his vision of totalitarian, autocratic, single party, national socialist dictatorship. He's absolute, and whatever he said, that would be whatever his followers had to do. No, if he listened to some people, if he had some people that would remind him, it would have been different. Maybe a system like pilot and co-pilot is good. The pilot is the legal commander, and in the event of incapacitation of pilot, the co-pilot will assume the command. Co-pilot will assist pilot to fly the aircraft. If unlikely event happens, the co-pilot might give pilot advice or whatever, but the pilot is the one who decides the final decision.

Oh wait, isn't that what my country has been doing? What an idiot I'm, thinking so long for nothing. -_-" But at least I figured out why (excuse).

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The Right Thing

I'm sick of being told to do the right things. Honestly, I don't even know what is right and what is wrong. A lot of people just told me to the right thing, but didn't even bother to explain at all. What is right for you, doesn't always right for me. What is right to do now, is not always the right thing to do then.

"I have a very strict family, my parent expect everything to go perfectly. They don't mind hitting their kids at all. Once, I played with my brother in living room and accidentally broke a vase, my parent beat me up so bad that I didn't go to the school the next day because I had bruises all over my body. One day, they bought a very expensive new stove. I couldn't help but to play with it and I broke it somehow. No one saw it. Do I keep silence? So I won't get beaten my parents? But what if, what if the stove explodes when someone tries to use it? Someone might die if I hide it just to save me from being beaten. Do I just go and admit that I broke it, so they know that the stove is broken and don't use it" (Not a true story, I made this up as an example)

Okay, the RIGHT THING to do NOW is telling the truth. But is "telling the truth" always the right thing?

"My dad was a drunkard, smoker, and gambler and had gone through a lot of problems because of that. He got into fight countless times with my mum, he was unhealthy and had respiratory disorder, was broke and almost lost his job. Fortunately, he realised the problems, and decide to quit all of them. Yeah, he quitted. His best friends, who always do those things above with him, were wondering why they never saw my dad again. So they came to visit my dad and my dad told them that he quitted. They said it's gay, and asked him to hang out with them again. They kept forcing him, so he didn't have other choice but to go with them. Dad realised he shouldn't see them again. Today, they come, and I'm the one who open the door. Do I tell them that dad is not at home at this moment, or I tell them that dad is inside?"

Telling the truth is NOT the RIGHT THING to do now, I believe. Oh, did you say that I should have just told them that my dad doesn't want to hang out with them anymore? As if they care if I tell them that. See, the right thing to do then, was not the right thing to do now. For me, I think it is right to lie at that situation, but for you, it is NOT. So, the definition of right thing is not the same for everyone.

"Our country has always been governed by the king. His orders are absolute, if he wants you to be dead, so are you. If he says the tax is increased by 10%, then it is. I can't take this anymore, I want a REVOLUTION". Is revolution the right thing? Revolution requires sacrifices, and that include human's lives. I might think that our country will be better when everyone has the voice for the country, everyone is allowed to give out their opinions and views. But do all the people agree? You might say that you don't want war, you don't want bloodshed, and we can try to find other way out. See the difference? I think revolution is the right thing to do now even that means WAR! But you say, revolution is not what we need right now, the people have suffered enough without war, you want a peaceful way out. You want to try to convince the king.

Did you read the news? About the suicidal bombing? Do you think it is right? No, of course not. So do I, it's not right. But why did they do that? For them, it's right to sacrifice their lives to kill their enemies, or so they believe. It's a form of prayer to their God, to kill who they think are their God's enemies. So who are you or me again? They don't give a damn about what we think is right or not. Their God says so (or they believe their God says so).

That brings us to the root of my discontentment, since everyone has different definitions, when you tell me to do the right thing. Do you mean the right thing by me or by you? If you just tell me to do "the right thing", but don't bother explain, then don't freaking blame me if I don't do what you've expected. If you want to control me, then write me a list of whatever I can do and I can't do. Every single of them. Make it clear, so clear, that there is no need to interpret any of the sentences with my own conscience. Because if I do have to, our interpretations are not always the same.

Not only between you and me, even between myself, there's disagreement with what is right and not. My thought says that I should stop doing this, I will lose anyway, save me the bother of trying, but my feeling, deep inside my heart, says that I should just go for it, doesn't matter if I'm going to lose or whatever, I should give my best shot, and then if I have to lose, I lost proudly. At least I tried and gave my best. I lost because I have limit, I can't reach something further than what my arm can extend!! Or grab more that what my hands can hold.

Still feel like telling me to do the right thing? Okay, I'll do it. I'll say "Shut up, you idiot". I believe that is the right thing to do NOW!!

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For "You" Who Know Who I'm Talking About!

For someone who I think is awesome and has a cool name,

I know why you are so lovely, just look at your name, a part of it sounds like "Chan" in Japanese, which has more affectionate term. Check here and here for the references. Not to mention the name that people always used to call you with end with 2 letters which in your language, but I'm not that sure, has something to do with lovely. That does explain why your name is so cool and you're so lovely. (I made this up just for you).

Seriously, that won't be a good reason why you're lovely. It's that kind attitude of yours that matters. You care about people, oh and you're funny, easy to drag toward something, and have funny reactions. (Not anymore, since I screwed up the feeling).
You're still kind nevertheless. I always appreciate people's kindness, sometime I just don't show them. I'm good at contenting my emotion and feeling around people, but when there's no one, I'm just a kiddo. You know what I'm talking about. Before I forget, those above spontaneously made you awesome. You might not think so, but that is how I think about you, and this is sincere.

Umm.. Okay, that seems so nice, and I have used the "keywords". Nothing is perfect and so are you, you're indescribable complicated. I can't understand you at all, one day, you act like this and the other day like that, seems like a few different people to me if you ask, or multiple personalities. You said the reason you like "I will love you, till death do us apart" is because that doesn't exist. Yeah, I know, we (by "we" I mean humans) love things that do not exist. Time machine? Your own wings? Teleportation? Genie? or you name it. Those don't exist, but we will love those if they do. You don't believe in "love forever", or that's what you said. Honestly, I believe you're hopelessly romantic. (I have my reasons, I just won't tell you. Keeping some secrets are good). Yeah, you are not easy to comprehend, not by me or you at least! However, don't you worry about that, "Complicated" is not such a bad thing, at least that makes you interesting, don't you think so? You make people curious about you. They will try to know you better, since they don’t know you well enough. Won't you love movies that have complex plot, the ones that make you want to watch them over again so you'll understand more? Or you'd rather watch a plain boring movie which you'll be able to predict the ending after 10 minutes of watching. You choose. So just be happy with that.

I don't know if this can live up to your standard, or nearly as good as you expected, or you don't understand at all or you don't even read this(which is good), but I kept my promise, didn't I? You said your patience is thin, and you can't wait for very long. Here you are, less than a month I think. I never know I could write something like this, I swear. But, as the matter of fact, I did write something. I used all the words (or all that I could recall). So, do your best shot for your last one, yeah? I know it's just a piece of cake for you. But good luck anyway!! And enjoy the fun after that!! Oh, and thank you, I guess.

I hope this gets to the correct person, I mean the "intended" person does know that this is for the person and the "unintended" people don't think this is for them. Who else this could be for? I don't promise just everyone. I love you...


Sincerely,

You know who.

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Life And Choices

I have lived for some years, and I don't know what life is about. I try to find what it is about, but get different answers, so many answers, more than my little ignorant brain can take and comprehend. So, as for now, I'll define life is about choices that I have to take. Everything in my life is about decision. This will explain how the definition comes up.

From morning until night:
~Wake up or stay in the bed for a few more minutes?
~Do I have breakfast or take a shower first?
~What am I going to eat if I choose to have breakfast first?
~Scrap breakfast, I'm late, I'll just have lunch later
~NO!! The bus just went off in front of my eyes, 15 minutes until the next one comes, if I just woke up before and didn't pointlessly stay in the bed, I wouldn't miss the bus. I should have just had breakfast instead of scrapping it, 15 minutes are more than enough.
~Bad decisions, late to school, didn't eat breakfast, hate myself for scrapping breakfast, bad mood!!

In the school:
~Bad mood, can't concentrate studying, doesn't get the teacher's explanation.
~Do I keep trying to concentrate? Or does something fun first to make up my mood? E.g. play games or browse the Internet?
~I'll do that on the break, keep concentrating. "Now I get what you say"
~Oh, new assignment! The teacher is explaining and giving hints for the assignment, lucky I didn't play games.
~Lunch time, do I go alone and eat whatever I want to, or go with classmates and eat whatever they want to?
~Back in class, do I do the assignment? While the hints and explanations are still fresh in my mind, or I listen to the next topic?
~Do the assignment, wow, I finished faster than I expected. Time to listen to the next topic.
~No, I'm tired, do I take a break, or force myself?
~Nice move, tired but satisfying. Good mood!!

After school:
~Do I go home or go somewhere else first?
~If I go somewhere else, where am I going?
~If I go home, what am I going to do?
~Do I eat outside or I'll eat cook something later?
~Okay, go home, figure the rest after that.
~No result!!

Night:
~Play games, chatting, browsing, reading, watching movies?
~Ah, okay, I'm going to see how my friends are doing.
~Arguing and get in a fight with friend. Huh, if I had chosen to play the game, I won't have this problem now.
~Hungry now, but not in the mood to cook, or go outside. If I had chosen to eat outside before, wouldn't be in this hunger.
~Sleeping.
~Bad choices scatter my day!!

So many things to decide in a single day, but the decisions above are just simple examples. Life is more complicated than that, Life has more tough choices. There is no one definite correct decision.

~Exam tomorrow, my choices? Study. Do I have anything else? Yes, procrastinate.
My choice, my decision.
1. I decide to study.
Tomorrow~~
*The exam's so difficult, I can't even answer one properly, not only me, but almost all of my friends. If I knew I wouldn't be able to answer the questions, I might as good as just procrastinate and doing other stuff last night.
*The exam is so easy, I might be able to answer most of them without even have to study at all last night. AND I SPENT MY DAY READING THOSE HUNDREDS OF PAGES!
2. I procrastinate a lot, playing game, chat, etc while reading the book every now and then.
*AAARGGGGHH... The answers for exam are all in the notes, if I have just studied properly, I will be able to do well in the exam.
*Hahaha, piece of cake, the exam is all about opinions. I'm glad my resolution to study wasn't that strong. I had fun, and I did well in the exam. What could be better than that?
!!!Study for the exam, while it is the most viable and logic choice, is not always the right decision!!!

~One of the most important people in my life has terminal illness. Pain and suffering, while there is almost no hope of cure.
1. Keep alive
*Ugg, spending every second of life in pain? I don't want to see the suffering face, this is more than I could take.
*If I was in that position, I'd only have one wish, kill me!
2. Euthanasia?
*What if, the day after I decide putting them to death, happens a miracle, a medical breakthrough and that breakthrough can cure them? I'm the one who choose to do the euthanasia. NO!!!!

~Holiday, yay! But I don't have anything to do, I'm so bored, that's why I write this blog. Other choices to do? A lot, but writing is a new thing to me, the idea of writing never crosses my mind before. So I write.
Benefits:
*I can express my opinions.
*I write down the ideas I have, my ideas have written form. If I forget, I can always go and read again. To tell the truth, I don't even remember what I wrote in the other articles. See how bad my memory is? How many "might be" brilliant ideas have I lost?
*I might improve my writing skill. Maybe in the future, I'll find it easier to write report. Maybe.
*A practice of freedom! Freedom of speech and expressing opinions. Something I never have back then.
Drawbacks:
*People that I'm talking about, or I refer to, or somehow related, might read this, and kill me!! (My teachers in high school, especially)
*My friends might think of me as a weirdo, but I don't mind, if they're my friends, they might already found out before they even read this. There is also possibility that they might never read this at all.
*Who knows that my future employers, decide to not hire me, because they find this blog, read it, and think my ideas are crazy. They don't need more crazy people as they already had enough those employees. I lose my dream jobs because of THIS! Who knows?
!!!I can see the benefits right now, and think writing this seems good. However, in the future, the drawbacks might cost me everything (worst case scenario. I believe that life is not that cruel)!!!

Nobody likes to make difficult decisions. We have all been at a point in our lives where we have to make a difficult decision, and we just don’t know how. We spent hours and hours to sort out the options and simulating the outcomes. But just how we could possibly understand the outcome of something that is unpredictable as life at all?

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Loneliness

This is a love story about me and something called loneliness. To tell you the truth, years ago, I hated loneliness, but it loved me (it still loves me now, of course).

"I hate loneliness, but it loves me". In the past, there were a lot of days when I had no one, no one at all. I was isolated, I had no one at all. I really wished that I had someone, anyone, it wouldn't matter. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I didn't. Then here came the loneliness. Obviously, I didn't accept it, I didn't welcome its visit. It embraced me. I did all my best to chase it away from me, but couldn't.

Day by day passed, it still comes to me everyday, even though I clearly said, I HATE IT!! It kept embracing me, and as time passed my attempts to struggle against it weakened. I didn't have the will to do be in opposition to it. My hostility towards it vanished, it just faded. "Whatever, you can do whatever you want to. Anything I do won't affect you anyway, you will keep coming", that's the thought I had.

Finally, after my attempts failed, I began to accept its existence and its love. I didn't feel as much pain as it used to be when loneliness came. Actually, I started to feel good. I can't help, but to fall in love with it. What would you do, if someone still love you, doesn't matter what you do to chase them away? Yeah, I'm so weak, and loneliness came at the right time, at the time when I was fragile the most. I began to love it. I enjoyed the solitude. I fell for it, it won my heart.

Now? I love it with all my might, soul and heart. I don't mind being left alone with loneliness, that'll give me solitude. But still, just because I love it, doesn't mean I have to be with it all the times. Just because I love it, doesn't mean I will spend all my times with it. Just because I love it, doesn't mean I don't need anyone else. Just because I love it, doesn't mean I can't love anything or anyone else. Just because we love each other, doesn't mean we will get along all the times, we will fight and argue every now and then, we will. Just because we love each other, doesn't mean life's over when one of us is gone.

Thank you loneliness for loving me when I have no one. I'm unwanted, and the constant pain from that feeling forges me. Thanks to you, I will feel loved no matter what happens. Everyone in this world might leave me, but when they did, you will come to be with me and I'll be solitude. I'll never be alone anymore (umm... isn't loneliness means I'm all alone? and now, because I have loneliness, I'll never be alone? That's confusing, my fault, to create a metaphor as if loneliness is alive). I love you.

Morals of the story:
1. Don't give up when you really love someone, try and that someone might, doesn't matter how that someone hates and doesn't accept you at the moment, but who knows in the future, love you back.
2. Instead of dreaming and wishing for something you don't have and won't have, why don't you enjoy whatever you have at the moment and be grateful with that. They have theirs and you have yours.
3. You're loved, doesn't matter how you feel at the moment, you just don't notice.
(4. Don't believe me, because, simple, I'm unbelievable.)

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